Poepira

the asthetic universe

2007-01-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

what i find beautiful
is moments in time
and time itself.
how time with someone
can turn into love.
how sun,dirt,water and seeds
can turn into a garden of vegtables.
how and infant can become an old man.
how certain words spoken
can change everything.
time to heal
time to grow
time in which to learn.

2006-12-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

Me, what do i do?

2006-11-29T06:29:00.000-08:00

I burn bridges,
hidE from death
obviously waitinG,
patiently, afraid.

I heaR things
knowing they haven'T
been said.
See thingS
that aren't there
iN broad daylight.

I turN on the radio
whilE the coffee brews
thE televison too
in casE the doorbell rings.

ME, what do i dO?
I forsake love
foR loneliness,
touch,
for longinG.
Health for drink
hopE for fear
and theN some.

I believe
that anythinG is possible
for everyonE
but me.
I don't change enougH
changing everything
daily.
SticK to the superficial,
voiD, safe.

What would goD think
if he kneW
if he were reaL.

I watch time pasS
blinking,
wondering where
it'S all gone.
MinuteS, seconds
painfully drawn ouT.
I dream of sleeP
someday
and quick fixeS
logic out the windoW.

I live as iF i believed
men didn'T have hearts
or anyonE else who cared foR
me.
I stay sick
anD dark
telling everyone arounD me to grow
prospeR, flurish.

A better questioN might be,
WHAT THe HELL ARE YOU DOINg?
WHAT, IN HEAVENS NAMe, ARE YOU GOING To DO
to fix thiS mess?
pick up thesE peices
TAKE OUT YOUr TRASH FOR GOOD
livE alive.

Somebody please
challengE me
and stick arounD to see.

November

2006-11-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

In about one minute
i will have no one to talk to
one nuclear minute
I have been spoiled
days of petting
feedings and wine
thrown onto a freight train with
the grain
in a bag of feathers
the books are in the backyard
with the old kitchen table
and bags of wet black molded leaves
In about one minute
everything
will have been fleeting
a memory.

not sisters

2006-10-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

like young girls
unable to grow
up
little voices spoken
to in that way
not playing their
grownup games
afraid of the buying power
they don't have
visible discomfort in the presence
of parental figures
representatives sent
reminding them
of where they ever stand
in the middle
of nowhere
blinded by the lights
of responsibiliy
dragging the heavy chains
freedom's chant lured
them into

blatch house

2006-09-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bauline, Newfoundland

2006-09-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

dis place is nuts b'y

more words and SORRY

2006-06-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

details...
it is with deep regret
we would like to inform this is not
a form letter
included you will find details escaping

sabotage - deliberate destruction or hindering, hampering action

self - the essential person, distinct from all other persons in
identity, a particular side of a person's character

i think i could
forgive you anything?
what is my motivation odd
how acting you think
you know and
you think you do the out come

"not trusting herself she cut out her tongue"
zip beep ba deep beep

chance - something that happens without apparent cause, the
unpredictable element, luck, oppurtunity, risk, uncertain situation

in the end it wasn't the truth that counted
not counting...
the company did quite well on the market

shooting yourself in the foot my father says
cutting off your nose despite your face

in reaction to planetary alignments
explosions were not uncommn details...

comparissons, correlations insulting insinuating
it is with deep regret
the butterfly was never truly set free
yet had countless adventures none the less

not posing a threat enter stage left
the right person at the right place timing
quite an acomplishment
details...

free correlating adventures
not posing a threat
stage left
she would have to agree
everything does happen for a reason

circumstance- a fact or event that must be considered in relation to
other facts or events, surrounding conditions

coming full circle the path
roughly strewn stones
sleeping heavy without water enough to endure the heat

mad dogs and english men in the noon day sun
que sera sera what ever will be will be

i know you
as well as you know me
not enough to just
just to be

in her dream the light was so bright
everyone was complaining
reaching into the cardboard tube
she salvaged to only surviving bulb purple

purple- psycholigical effects, balancing influence on fear, frustration
and distortion of inner energy, third eye, gives energy to seekers of
beauty, love
and justice, allows withdrawl to obtain peace quiet, gives freedom to
stretch bounderies, intuition, extra sensory perception, soothing effect
on the nervous system

from bright bulb dust
she is covered with shards
and the floor
don't walk barefoot she calls out
so important it seemed the change
purple like when the pope died
acting before thinking
only in the dream
she could just wake up
leave the scene unswept
with regret she woke
to what she had
and hadn't left untouched
details...
leaves often better left unturned

regret- distress of mind on account of something beyond one's power
to remedy, an expression of sorrow

BERNASTY

2006-06-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

to be the noose
around your neck
number nobody
knows how many
pulling up each
face to face
to remind you
what you've done
a noose
around your neck
reminding you
your plan sucessful
i have won
pulling tight
while you cum
face up to
nobody knows
how many number nobody's
to come.

FREAKIN' AT THE FREAKERS BALL Y'ALL!

2006-06-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU

2006-06-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

TO READ NICK FLYNN

I remember why i loved her ever always will

2006-05-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

CARNIVAL
BY SUSAN MUSGRAVE

I ONLY REMEMBER THE RATS,
HE SAID. Nothing else, no,
not even the tired grey woman
selling tickets to
the tunnel of love.

Not the bodies of the young girls
blooming like caught sails
under the sky, or monks
in their senuous robes, fingering
theri delicate lutes.

Not even the balloon man with his
spotted dog, nor the drinking
jester, nor the faith healer
with a little bowl in his hands.

I remember counting rats.
One night there were eight of them
sharing the shabby bedsit.

They became an obsession.
In the morning when you woke
to face a soft underbelly it was
delectable nostalgia. Weapons
were futile; you pitted yourself
against theri skills.

You were a fellow-sufferer.
You found your identity in
wiping them away. For days at a time.
But even rats cannot stop
dullness creeping in.

I started dreaming of women.
Their split sex seemed an enigma,
monstrous. I had no wish for such
meaningless opulence.

My foraging became inhuman.
I gorged myself nightly beneath
beercellars and dancehalls.
I saw how dangerous my own waste
had become, and social barriers
non-existent.

I only remember the rats.
It was theri ruthlessness I admired,
theri lack of religion. I took hold of them
in my hands, squeezing life out of them
as gently as you would shake laughter out of
children.

Perhaps they were laughing at the
indignities I made them suffer. In the end
theri pain was more welcome than a friend.

But theri suffering was far more
permanent than my own: when one died
there was always a replacement.

I remember the rats,
he said. Nothing else, no,
only the rats.
Not the tired grey woman
selling tickets to the
tunnel of love, not even
the bodies of the young girls.

xx s xx

Robert Motherwell says

2006-05-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

Most people ignorantly suppose that artists
are the decorators of our human existence,
the esthetes to whom the cultivated may turn
when real business of the day is done...
Far from being merely deorative,
the artist's awareness is one of the few guardians
of the inherent sanity and equilibrium of the human spirit
that we have.

spring storms -- a breath of fresh air

2006-04-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

the trains started running again
bringing dusty loved ones back into the fold
calls from the south
remembering why we call this place home
blessed be the chosen family
summer IS coming baby
xx s xx

2006-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

DON'T YOU DARE... BREAK THIS LITTLE HEART

2006-03-28T06:07:00.000-08:00

2006-03-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

this hearts on fire

2006-02-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

pumping stone
wrapped
in barbed wire
this hearts on fire

joy manifesto & to live each day like a song that you love

2006-02-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

knowing fear is only real if you believe in it
that starring at diving into understanding art
not based on technicalities can carry the weight of your sorrows
that love truly found is like a waterfall in the desert
and you should always swim regardless of the possible dangers
that beauty only skin deep opens the door to growth of personality
true beauty always lying within within honesty loyalty and goodness
knowing laughter kills the pain better than any pill any orgasm
because knowing how to find it is harder more rewarding when found
that just walking out your door each day is an adventure
never knowing what could be around any corner
you can always start again
there is only end when you are bones and dirt
that to someone you will always have worth
and maybe you're not supposed to know what is the meaning of life
of your life but just to live it best as you can
dancing and feeling as if it were a song that you love

somtines yogi tea's got it just right

2006-02-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

"spiritual expansion is found
in the trust
we have
in each other"

Quoting Rimbaud

2006-02-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

"the poet makes himself a seer. By seeking in himself all forms of love, pain and madness, by turning himself into the great sick man, the great criminal, the great accursed, the poet reaches the unknown; and if, maddened, he should end by losing understanding of his visions, at least he has seen them."

QUOTING JIM CARROLL

2006-01-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

"IF YOU HAVEN'T DIED BY AND AGE
THOUGHT PREDETERMINED THROUGH THE TIMING
OF YOUR ABUSES AND EXCESSES,
THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO
BUT BEGIN ANOTHER DIARY?"

so Anatole France said

2006-01-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

'all writers of confessions, from Augustine on down,
have always remained a little in love with their sins"
and i cheers to that
sante

NEXT TO COME
THE JOY MANIFESTO

2006-01-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

long poem 2006

I’m beginning to wonder
She said at the end
If this wasn’t just the worst pms I’ve ever had
Let’s start again, late
the blessing had been bestowed
and the devil is the devil is
a capitalist whore
in sheepish clothing
you old hipster you

respect is the one thing lost
no body can help you find
if you haven’t learned to play by the rules by now
well anyway thanks
keep up the good
unforgivable
and it used to be they
before my time

something was lost he said
way back, after the hospital
something important was lost
she was strange, even back in high school
I don’t talk to her, he says
haven’t for years

they call it ginger
he wears it like a pony’s mane
a rooster
bright eyed
midnight cock a doo’s
in junk Latin

he was the one they kicked out of the band
they say
actually
he kicked himself out
humming
some people are just better this way
he says
I’m not crazy
you don’t think I’m crazy do you

he’s the reason she got kicked out
asked to leave
written request, no jest
funny what’s called a meeting she thinks?
once, twice, thrice for weeks
white collars turned brown corduroy
dressed up with lace and fancy sock lings

you know that pill you halved with me that night
I need more
so do I
I went home and the thirst went away
I drew on the wall mural all night
didn’t need need
I know it was the last
that’s why I shared

now do you trust me?
just in time to leave
it was always in the cards
has always been

don’t really know where they are now
near, beards and get weird
in the city
not the mountains, the plan
unfeld
13 puppies born
with who to feed them
on beer and butts, butches (en Quebecois)
protienless roaches

they came late
awake still sippin’ and reading
believing in them
the love and liquor
the music
the stink
skunks poppin’ heads in

train hoppers, alcoholics
little pots of gold
hearts matching iron stomachs
calling lemons and crushed mint
food

they warmed bare walls
my metal heart bars
filled soft alley chairs with free love
cigarette holes
spilling orange luminescence

like a nightmare
they can never stay though
the knife always gets pulled
she hadn’t started force feeding him from the blender yet
things get crazy as the water runs out

so when the knocks wouldn’t stop
bedroom window shakin’
for hours it seemed
fury still raging, the night before hanging
the white limousine pulls up
empty and ready
for the princes departure
two years of alley stomping
collections to die for

I’m back he said
leaving today
there are some kids at my house you have to meet
so help me pack

I don’t feel so good
sit back and rock in shock rock rock
this house is only physically empty
I go, knowing it won’t help

dragging feet to his chariot, crying
for both of us
tears into the ocean we created together
on truth, trust and friendship we call love
the word
well you don’t know what it means to us

into the backyard with you girl
blond dreads shakin’
I know all about you
sitting in the dirt
fixing a bike
well or beginning to
no tools or parts see
stand to say
holy hell oh
you really made it here
to months lady, on six dollars a day
charm and three card pickin’ up the slack
numb, I don’t say
too much, neither
into the arms of another baby

new dirt
three $ in the bank
as that white limo full to the tits
with dogs and shit
drives away

he was lovely
so full of empty, stories and tricks
sparkles and nicks
teach me she said

what about me
don’t leave, are you fucking crazy
yes and yes and no

to old for this puppy love
love of an idea
yeah we got that
tisk tisk
shame on you little one
for threatening
private tears
wasted sorry’s
and money missing from the jar

so you got the ride
too late to change your mind
and you changed your mind
your tune
your touch
your chime

joy division blasting that wind through my
gonna trip on it godammit
hair
in the back seat
why of course

black camero
these boys were always too cool for school
don’t grow up
become numb
nuts and all

relief washes over the filth
gems and
fire starters, left behind
bags upon bags of stale buns
and margarine
open the windows one month at a time

she slept with his best friend
laughed when they saw each others faces
inebriated
never saw it coming

you’ve crossed the line now he’d said
it will happen again
no, it can’t, it can’t
and it did
tell him yourself
he’s not talking to them right now

it was the best since
the motor cycle
flying blind eye’s bleeding
three dogs howling, biting
she told him

no one knew him
except everybody
I can’t stand him they said
he’s so morbid

but he fucked like a rocket launcher
didn’t have a cup of water
the girlfriend took all but the dogs
it’s been four months
he told her in disbelief

we had an emotional affair
intellectual you know, not sexual
we understood each other
not exactly boyfriend material
and I don’t sleep with my friends anymore
anyway

he wrote me a song
from just another song she signed
and I wish it was my story he’d said
and let me take a good look at your scar

never could have been the sweeper
always have a sweeper my father said
as they sped by in the fast faster lane
I’ll keep that in mind padre
I’ll keep that in mind

2006-01-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

My neighborhood – as I remember it

I remember that our house was much bigger than most of my friends at school or more accurately, I remember being told how big it was when people would come home with me from school. We lived in the new development in an old area, about 10 houses in a little cul-de-sac called silver crest crescent built on top of a ravine over looking the river, the train tracks and the mountains in the distance. Each home had been custom built; most had pools, not ours though. My dad refused, said the cleaning was too much work, that we were better off with yard space and gardens, it didn’t really matter though because practically everybody else had one. I remember the house where I took my swimming lessons, they had an Olympic sized pool on their ground floor, the first time I ever took a lesson I swallowed so much water my nose started to bleed in the pool, I sat out but the rest of the kids kept on with the lesson. No one cleaned out the blood; they were like that those neighbors. Really dirty messy people and fat too. When I say fat I mean really the mom was 300 some pounds, huge, my mom always told me it was because she ate white bread. My dad told me not so long ago she’d gotten her stomach stapled and she looked normal now, strange I’d thought.
What I remember is her cooking pigs, nibbling on the crispy fat, you could eat anything in that house whenever you wanted, you didn’t have to sneak like everywhere else, and it was lovely. But something was always weird with them, the father was a genius, their house was full to the roof with art and antiques but everything was a mess and covered in dust, we had a cleaning lady at our house, I didn’t even know houses could get like that until I met them, I think everybody else on the block had the same cleaning lady as us, she was a grumpy chain-smoking old lady, I kind of loved her just for being so different from all of us, but we always went out when she came over so I never really got to know her.
Once I went out for the day with the fat family, they drove an old brown station wagon even though everybody knew they were rich, the mom picked the dad’s nose while we were driving, while he told us stories, it was full of hair, it was amazing, gross but amazing, they had three kids. A girl my age a boy two years younger and a really bratty 3 year old sister we hated because she always cried and actually she wasn’t fat at all.

Once I remember being home with my mom, I don’t know if my brother was born yet but I do remember that my dad had built me my two story play house way at the back of our yard, at the bottom of the hill by the bar-b-que pit. The second story was a rooftop terrace with a built on ladder, I loved it up there, you could see everything for miles. My friends and I would watch teenaged boys light fires and put them out in the ravine, watch people jump from the train bridge into the river, lay down and watch the clouds change shape and color during sunset. When we sold our house years later, the first thing the new owners did was tear down my playhouse, I was heartbroken I think it was the place I’d felt safest in the world.
So I was staring out the sliding glass doors at my playhouse, my mom was in the kitchen, the very orange kitchen, it was the 70’s you know and I saw a man taking pictures of the back of our house from the ravine. I called to my mom and she ran outside to see, asked him what the heck he was doing but he just ran away. Our house turned into a prison after that, my dad installed bars on all the windows, new locks on the doors and an alarm system, the neighborhood was bad for burglaries, smart criminals who knew what they were doing.
Once my best friends house was robbed by a man who cut their alarm system then went into the parents bedroom without a sound and put on the dad’s cowboy hat, walked around the house looking for valuables we were told whatever that meant, the older sister woke up when he peaked his head in her room, she said dad half asleep, don’t worry honey he said, I’m just checking for prowlers, audacious we all thought when we heard the story days later.
I slept with the hall lights on and my bedroom door open for years afraid a burglar might come for me. I would rock back and forth in my bed sucking my thumb or singing myself to sleep eye’s wide staring into the hall to the last possible moment.
The other thing I was afraid of I remember were badgers, my best friends older brother, a teenager who played basketball, he was so tall and he could eat 14 pieces of pizza at one sitting. Anyway he always told us story’s about the badgers in the ravine and that one day one of them would get us, we were terrified, some days we’d hide in my room peaking out the back window wondering if they were waiting for us.
We were only not afraid of them the days we played end of the world but that was much later, my mom had died by then and I was at my best friends house everyday, our friendship was suffering, her brother and sisters were never home anymore ‘cause they were too grown up, her dad was having an affair with the next door neighbor and her mom was always shopping so it was pretty easy for us to feel that we were completely alone. The game always made me cry though, I hated it.
I liked spinning in circles until I fell down, until I thought I’d throw up chanting wonder woman over and over.
Another thing I remember about the brother is that he used to be best friends with the neighbor boy on the other side of their house, not the family whose mom his dad was having an affair with, the other side. But as they got older he started dressing fancy, driving a sports car, a convertible and people were saying he was gay, I didn’t know what that meant then except that he wasn’t invited to play basketball anymore and that he made new best friends. His house had a pool too, you could see it from the driveway, all glass walls but nobody ever swam in it.
Our house was at the top of the hill, the first house, two doors down was a family I hated except the dad, I hated him when I was young but later grew to understand and like him but I really hated the mom and the kids. They all had red hair and the mom would call my mom trying to force me to play with the boy my age, I hated him the most, every time he came over he wanted to go to the toilet together and watch me pee, I finally told my mom and didn’t have to play with him anymore but his mom got me back.
When I was 11 or 12 I’d gone to the corner store with a friend and we’d met up with all these older kids from junior high who smoked and did crazy things, they all came back to my house because my parents were out somewhere, they danced on our roof and left a pile of cigarette butts on our front doorstep, we had a riot. I had cleaned everything up perfectly but when my parents came home my dad called me down to the basement, bad sign, that bitch had called them wherever they were and told them I had people at the house, I was grounded for a month, I never spoke to her again, just gave her the evil eye when I saw her, she was too stupid to even notice though, she was always asking my grandparents about me when I’d grown up as if we’d been great pals. When my mom died that woman told everyone she had been my mom’s best friend. But I knew my mom’s best friend didn’t even live in our neighborhood, she lived across town and took in foster kids. When the fat family invited me over once when the kids were sick with chicken pocks, they didn’t tell my mom. Then my dad and mom went to Hawaii for two weeks and I stayed with my mom’s real best friend, got sick with chicken pocks from guess who and she took care of me while all the other kids jumped on her trampoline.

When I first met my best friend we’d just moved into the neighborhood, into the new house my parents had built together while we’d rented a house up the street that I don’t remember at all. My dad had told me that a girl my age lived down the street and that I should go say hi. So I walked down, knocked at her door and asked if she wanted to play, I was a bold confident little girl. She said sure and it just went on and on like that.
She had black teeth when I met her and glasses with a patch over one eye, she said her teeth were black from all the medication the doctors had given her for her cross eye’s and that’s why she had to where a patch now, I didn’t care.
A woman named Katharine lived in the house we had rented now, she owned it and sometimes my best friend and I went to her house for lunch if my mom wasn’t home but once she forgot about us, we waited all lunch hour for her to return but she didn’t, we didn’t take any food because it had always just been prepared for us we didn’t even think to look.
When we got back to school my best friend told her teacher she’d had no lunch and got to eat something in the teachers lounge. I didn’t tell anyone and was jealous when she told me walking home. I was like that my dad said, I never complained, never asked for anything, everyone just thought I was always doing fine but I usually felt more like a fly on the wall watching life pass me by.
Once we had a crazy hat day at school and my mom had made me for sure the best hat.
I was so proud but when my best friend came over she made fun of it so just to be sure I would be the best I stole a pair of my nannies high heeled shoes to wear with it once I got to school. My best friend was really short and nobody had high heels at school. All the boys talked to me that day, I snuck them back into the closet and no one even knew I’d taken them. I’d always wanted to be the best but never wanted anyone to know I felt that way, just to be the best without looking like I was trying.

THAT BY VICE WE WILL DIE

2005-12-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

so with vice like grip
we hold
to nuclear sunrise

to be inspired
to be inspiring

we are all one
stronger together

boredom vanquished
we shout
sleep is for the dead
but now
it's time for dancing
living each tomorrow
to be our last

willing we are to pay
the price
for freedoms

the luckiest girl in the world

2005-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

Song for Shawnda

My friend wears tattoos in her ears

a star of hope in the cusp of one

Krishna in the other

She wears ink on her fingers for rings

for...ever.

Life shovels shit in her path

but there is no going back

to cradle comforts

retreat of thin skinned hypocrites

...never

My friend has tattoos on her arms

and her chest.

Her declaration publique

of personal conviction

uncompromised

She is not your Girl Next Door

not happy to hide

behind banal conventions

or the habits

of fashion

My friend welcomes street truths

celebrates unpredictable movement of trains

chooses her tribesmen

and imparts a portion

of her balance

She humbles me and others

from time to time

with her feet firmly in the boots

of a warrior’s imperfect

courage.

i can wear socks

2005-12-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

today,
can't find any goddamned pants without shit all over them
the shirts all reek of smoke
it took me a week to put away the laundry all that's left are socks
three pairs and i picked them all
they are straight and paired and clean

posting this because

2005-11-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

i have to share
because there are gems out there
don't forget
remember them
i'm calling it "moose's love"
because it came to me untittled
it was written by my dear friend
raymond jackson in new orleans, LA
i am blessed by you creatures
painting beauty out there

------------------------------
i know i've left you hanging
dangling, arms outstretched
the trapeze in stasis
and i will be charged as the net with big holes

holes i've been busy patching
dreams that shred but i re-tie them anyway
my tightrope toppled in the storm

but let this keep you warm;
i love you
i am so thankful for you
and proud you make us
lovely light streaming from our northern sky

and we'll go screaming into that night together
we will visit in dreams
and the distances get shorter
as our fierce hearts work
day and night
to build a railroad between french cities
a steam-powered vision
pour la nouvelle france

kisses and chicory
red beans, rice and poutine
let fantasy become the routine

r.

2005-11-28T19:41:00.000-08:00

listen, he said
you look like you've been drug through the knot hole
i’ve been thinkin’
i’ve been stinking
rich and poorer than dirt
no where in the middle
i’ve been hurt
i’ve been beaten
i’ve been raped and over again
been so high i was sure
i’d flown like a jet plane leavin’ streaks
met the devil eye to eye
gone lower than the bottom of the ocean
sailed some of them too
been crippled,
locked up
and 1/3 of everybody already died on me
i’ve been married with child, divorced
and i’m still a baby i’m told

i have been around the world and then some
starved, been frozen,
burned a few times like a pig on a spit
cooked and cracklin’ skin spitting
been broken all over years in between
left a trail of heartache and took some home for keepsake
i’ve had my 15 minutes of fame and again then again
been fat am thin
shaved head hair long
had every kind of relationship you could imagine
had straight a’s was a drop out
lived on the streets cold filthy alleys
and your doorways
stayed in hotels that cost $400 a night drove to the restaurants in golf carts
i have been lied to, stolen from and right back at ya
had friends who weren’t and more that were more that were
a lot of laughs have come my way a lot of love stinking like shit some days
i can’t lie to you
what i’m trying to say is

surprise me

i’ve been around the block a few times
seems too i’ve got a couple of runs left
i am free now
tossed the ink stained check list back over there behind me
to milk the little cow’s teats when they pass
i’ll drink the whole farm dry if they let me
i don’t have any expectations
just little slivers of desire
the more i
well the more i smile
and you can laugh at me ‘cause i beat ya too it
it’s not about winning
but i have

hair on the bathroom floor

2005-11-25T03:07:00.000-08:00

enough about the haircut ok
i know
it looks great

the thing is
i`ve got lumps in my breasts

my son is in the hospital
and my bank account`s not doin`it`s best
they said nnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo
don`t do it
flags up and out
give me strength
she looks mean but

well she`s actually quite sweet
our heads just deficate
it`s auruvedic look it up

2005-11-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

check out girlfriendfromhell at myspace.com
and make a new "friend"

timetostartsomethingnew

2005-11-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

old and familiar
grounds already covered
new strings netted in the abundant web
tickling
stirring desires well buried
to see colour
in black and white
to be touched in a gesture as violent as it is gentle
to not jump
not even look at the cliffs edge
just float there
dreamy too warm grinding lovely
it's time
to start something new old friend

2005-11-04T04:15:00.000-08:00

miss-adventure

so this morning sean wakes me up a half hour before my alarm worried i'd forgotten to set it he says
hhmmm right we'd had a fight last night and he was missing me was all i think waking to his kisses pretty sweet
i made myself breakfast mama would you like something
i could make it for you
toast please love thanks
we chat a bit rush off to school happy enjoying each other across the tracks trains goin' the right way for us today this morning thing is good some days

then to the YMCA to swim FUCK i jump back
as i'm crossing the street a speeding black car rushing off to work "must catch that yellow light" comes within an inch from ending me up in the cemetary by accident this morning
"watch where you're going bitch, jjeeeeezzzzzzz,
swimming ahh feels so good it's finally cold enough outside to be heated yipppeeeee

the plan for the rest of the morning was to head up to the cemetary at the top of the mountain to visit my friend joe
a yearly thing i love to do missed last year
he took a year off for health and of course a girl
after 15 full time digging graves he deserved it shit.

so i go down parc to mountroyal on the bus get a hot coffee and chocolate chip cookie
the toast to my surprise
but as i walk out to the mountain bus stop it passes
it's a once an hour bus and the wind is cold today
so i start walking ignoring the bad sign
i have done this before yet i forget everytime how many twists and turns there actually are before you reach the top it's a bit dizzying in a lovely way
i am in wool tights and a cashmere sweater so no problem i heat myself up quick walking up up uphill.
it's so peacful, the colours are gorgeous, i never do this and soon it would have been too cold i am happy
i walk and walk and think and space out
i've had so many conversations with him in my head by the time i get there i just need to see his smile get a hug, take a little walk somewhere secret, i've got nothing left to say.
finally i reach the cemetary gates and the bus passes
we would have made it at the same time funny i think my life is
yes full of misadventures
but apart from the one hand the coffee had spilled out on i was glad to have walked the hill before the end of fall, before snow
i walked through the cemetary a bit and saw the kind of cross i adore IMELDA WOOD stuck onto it with those font letters you put outside your house with your family name something homemade made with love amoungst all the square sameoldsameold headstones
beautiful i think smile these too are why i come here

then i hear a digger so walk towards it i needed to find guys who work there so they can radio my friend and tell him i've come

hilarious is next
5 guys working hard in the cold see me trapsing across a mucky field no one else for miles heading straight for them they all look away at the ground at me like what is this stupid chick doing
"we can't help you" "go to the office" i hear in their heads they all look at each other "be invisible play invisible"
so i have to walk right into a hole and touch a guys arm to get attention
he looks at me like i'm not there
uh i'm looking for a friend who works here, joe circus
the one guy points me to another he's got the walkie
oh yeah joe hang on sec calls somewhere else
is he working with you guys today
i hear coming from the walkie an angry response actually he didn't show up today and i haven't heard anything from him
uh oh ok the guy says looks at me shrugs
ok thanks i say
they laugh as i walk away crazy chick shakes of heads as the others ask what did she want she was looking for joe FOR JOE? ha ha ha ha

so i sit on a bench and enjoy the now lukewarm coffee i'd brought and a smoke
walk back out to a bustop
get a slurpee headache from the cold wind whipping me waiting for anything to go by
the bus finally comes probably and hour later i don't know much at this point in my refrigeration direction home no other thoughts get warm oooohhhhh warm
frozen stiff and shaking
one bus to the next not much wait or walk time now
still happy
the day goes on and
work on another scarf make the calls i've avoided all week
take a nap
clean clean clean the house before the roomate gets back from vacation
just a little friday to share with you

somewhere other than here

2005-11-01T16:44:00.000-08:00

i am supposed to be everynightsaparty
thank dog it's over
i'd wanted to say
until it wasn't
i am supposed to be somewhere other
than here
right now

if i was a rich girl

2005-10-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

lala lala la la lalala
i'd always be awake at 4am
to recieve the calls

thestormsacomin'

2005-10-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

woollen's ready
down the hatch
it's almost begun
almost over
huddle everyone
into warm bed's
clear heads fuzzy

yeah~~~

2005-09-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Breath fire

charles
21notcounting
how old am i
right yes 99

out of thin wire he has fashioned
coiling torches long
resembling edward scissor hands
remember image
to keep you away and near
a wanting unclear
maybe not you but you dear for sure
tells you come get close watch
lights the balltips a flame
dance dance his fingers play a game
and they smile he smiles then they smile
in rapture the charmer trickster
honest in plain view

hungry everytime he puts flames to jeweled lips
devoring within their fright again and own's it
asks you to walk into the flames
each and every one of you
knowing you'll get burned knowing
he can't teach you anything he'll tell you
writing morse code for you face in your face
flaming he doesn't say
this man child stranded willing in 12 year old body frame with
he is shocked to observe man hairied calves little legs dangling
we have changed he states while we've been away
and maybe if you'd just stay we
could stop and play
a little longer here

next tap tap taps 20 penny nails into his face
to show you anything is ok smiles any sneeze away
it's a good lie says the magic hammer tiny golden a secret hiding place
for nothing but more
and there's more want to try he says with his eye handing a nail
to no takers passersby he smiles proud saddened one at a time

he walks his little earth for miles on smiles and folly
shenanigans welcomed he perscribes
no creepy sorts need apply
"i'm good on that" his sigh in lieu of
"not so much"
or i've had enough

"and then more was ok " the cd tittle read for no one to understand
he is safe in fear blanket
just a touch away love to be when no one truly knows you
keep walking thumb streched out signs crooked NORTH
and oh how sparkling how wonderful he was they'd all say
why did he go away

for greener pasteurs dear for
when you are colour blind any old thing
just takes on that
twilight shade of grey
click click bloodied red heels
away tired away
behind left sad smiles kept
no money could buy

changing the season

2005-09-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

sleep becomes
hope
demain
ticks time to wrapping
inevitable
reminders not to squander
your shooting stars
paranoid dark eye'd try's
at being the sun

love believes all things

2005-08-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

hopes all things

winningthegame

2005-08-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

drunkenfurrytomwaitsvoice
sweatpouringswigthedrinkonadragofsmoke
makesmesmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiillllle
it makes me smile
thesoniscominghometoday
whilehurricaneshitandrun
andtheroomsareempty
andtheheartisfullemptymessy
blankoutblackoutdon'tthinkabout
thisworld'causeonthehigherplane
youcan'tgetdownflyflyfly
letgoandplay
it's the only way
to win the game
xxx

loveliesandsuch

2005-08-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

a man must never make safe investments

2005-08-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

massiveheadwoundbarbie,,, loves,,,you
Posted by Picasa

divided goddamnit i meant divided

2005-07-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

theshameitellyouthefuckingshame
it'spainfulandyourollyourseye'satmeiwanttoslityourthroatsomedays
ifyouknewwhatwentoninuphere
wellsoyousay
we'dneverspeakagainmaybeweshouldbutwewill
thetroubleyouseemstobehavin'
oppressionsomeofuswillitonandon
drop
stop
rollrollrollawayiwill she said

2005-07-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

um== united==we==stand=== devided==we==fall== we fall ===some fellfallarealwaysfalling ==yep
Posted by Picasa

he likes them horse faced

2005-06-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

and their children too
s words looming omnipresent, no
the mare should have been put down
long ago
demons don't ride the bus, ants
everywhere
voices in this headache blaring
demons
no dreams left nor memory of
liar
remembers how to swat those flies
with his tail
longs to cry out, to be imperfect
in public
the drugs weren't working
what next?

2005-06-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

there may be hope for her after all.................................
Posted by Hello

2005-06-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

it's supposed to be a playground no regrets allowed
Posted by Hello

2005-06-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

you'll never be anything but a drama queen to me.....
Posted by Hello

Soundtrack-The Geraldine Fibbers-outside of town

2005-06-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

Secretly thanking him for the warnings, get numb enough was her chant.
She had tried to run and learned better.
He'd whisper it to her almost nightly,
"You're gonna get it when everyone leaves"
then grin at her like he had no soul.
But she wasn't scared anymore and sometimes that saved her.
She was just 15 years old.

His mother was an alcoholic, his father in prison for life, the older brother killed just 25 years old, had been a biker.
He had a twin living who was
nothing like him.

"And he'll go to the devil" she'd sing to herself, "And he'll go to the devil for makin' me cry".

2005-06-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

intrigued i guess is how we felt
Posted by Hello

So it goes like this

2005-05-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

She was an addict. Poetry, profetry, better to read than to meet,
lapping it up she could never get enough.
"Feed me" she would scream, never stopping to wonder
if this was leading her back to those hospital pijamas,
thin, invisible like. Like she'd want to be if that meant the rent due would never come and food food would just appear in front of her at the appointed time.
She was a cat in a former life she was sure, or would be one soon. Napping in the sun after reading, after reading after
well you know addicts
napping on dreams wishing for nothing other than this.

2005-05-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

Happy to be here, honestly, rasberry's fresh from the market, dusky light, love, just checking in.
Posted by Hello

2005-05-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you, whoever you are!
Posted by Hello

2005-05-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

D wed.
Posted by Hello

2005-05-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

my bike beloved will not leave me try as they might, knock on wood
Posted by Hello

2005-05-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

,
Posted by Hello

For four minutes to midnight

2005-05-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Screamin' Jay, it was Screamin' Jay Hawkins
you know that song it's so hard when the lovin's only goin' one way
uuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
ooooooaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
those old songs in the southern heat where anybody, pretty much, can grow old gracefully.
The sidewalk looks like shit
gotta swamp hop hop, cockroaches always underfoot
the lazy bastards won't even answer the phone.
Well i sure as hell don't want to.
What are you doing here anyway?
I thought I'd left you at the train tracks, I said never come back.
Though moving forward sure is scary in the world these days
I practically had to strip
just to do something i fucking paid for yo.
We need a civil war
or something
global warming my ass, my veins are looking bluer by the day and they've turned the heat off in this place.
The toilet won't even flush and i'm
bleeding for partychrists sake.
I'd head back home if i knew where that was but now your here and the house
is a mess.
They took the window glass last month, the doors, they said would
be next.
"I only squat to shit" I screamed at them,
it was 7am
I mean what were they thinking.

The white sweater

2005-05-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

had become a symbol for the inactive role Molly was taking in her life at the time. "You've gained weight honey" her grandmother had said only a month ago. She guessed that she had she sighed worrying more at that moment about blocking out the religious radio and T.V. shows her grandparents always had blasting through their trailer house in Palm Beach, California.

You're gonna wear that Marco said, implying it was less than appropriate, standing in a room full of people ready to go to the pub, it had stung. She thought to herself had he been willing to take her shopping she would have obliged but Marco was so cheap he wouldn't even go the the $3.99 buffet in Los Vegas, preferring the $0.69 ham and cheese at Wendy's. He had saved money for a year for this trip he reminded her and he wanted it to last as long as possible. Marco was the kind of guy who picked up hitchhikers just so he could ask them for gas money before they got where they were going.
Molly tried confidently to reply that she had nothing else to wear and didn't he think she looked ok, she kissed his cheek and realized this would be over soon. How had he not noticed that she was living out of a lunch box sized backpack in the back of his van. She had put the white sweater on to cover up the faded orange dress, too short for her now chubby body, but she could wear it as is if he preferred or she had those red shorts with the stripes.

2005-05-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

Airing our dirty laundry
Posted by Hello

Nov. 1988

2005-05-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

The box went up in flames. She lay there awhile crying before sitting up to bat out the fire with her pillow.
There were bruises leading up to this moment.
She was getting used to things around here.
When the flames died down, she looked around the room filled with smoke and began to scream. She flung open the door, but the boys ran off cackling, they'd come back later when she calmed down and ask for forgiveness.
She couldn't go back into that room now so she sat on the sofa to wait, someone else would likely come by soon enough. She stared at the cracks in the walls, the glassless window hole, stuffed with a pillow and thought of nothing. It was terribly cold in the room so she hugged her knees to her chest.

The soundtrack playing in her head

2005-05-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

was "The guns of Brixton" by The Clash.
Sifting through the 'Ladies Sweaters' section at the Salvation Army in downtown San Diego, she was thinking about 50 cent beers and her Australian boyfriend, the haircuts and foot massages she'd been giving for $10 each and how the hell she was gonna get out of this town.
On her way here, through the crowds lined up for food stamps she had thought that she'd be needing a sweater maybe if she was going to keep living in the van with Marco.
"Do you like that one dear" said a soft voice around elbow height beside her,"if you want that one i'd love to buy it for you, let me see how much is it"
The elderly woman, white hair matching the white sweater she now held in her soft weathered hand. She turned the sweater over looking for it's tiny pink price ticket. "$2.99, well dear would you let me".
Molly hadn't really been paying attention to where her fingers had been leading her on the rack, she looked down at the white sweater, at her volunteer grandma and thought why not. They walked to the cash arm in arm, The Clash soundtrack skipping repeatedly in Molly's head.

2005-05-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

uh huh
Posted by Hello

2005-05-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

camp motel, rawkin' Rawdon!
Posted by Hello

2005-05-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

hello this is n**** speaking who is this "you're gonna turn him into a train hopper" she said
Posted by Hello

2005-05-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

the grimaced smile sun facing demands a refund for winters cloak flung
Posted by Hello

2005-05-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

a hearfelt cry wrings
it's weathered hands, fingers laced
this end, insulting.

2005-05-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

fury rushing fingertipward
Posted by Hello

2005-05-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

if this was me would you pick me up and teach my how to fly again
Posted by Hello

2005-05-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

.
Posted by Hello

just tuesday that's all

2005-05-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

It's cold, not like cold but like it's May already and there is a sore throat coming on this wind.

Both sides of the street are pouring people, young, angry and in uniform.

This violence fills my sponge faster than you can say aaachhhhooooooooo.

"tu me fait mal, tu me fait mal!!!!!!!!" until the ambulence comes.

Garbage is dripping down the stairs of the venue.

Shows over folks, nothin' to see here, nothin' to see.

2005-05-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

.
Posted by Hello

a sleepless night

2005-05-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

She put him up on that pedistal fast
knowing he wouldn't last there
he stood magestic like a bird without wings.
She put him up on that long, thin, stone structure
then kicked at it with a hammer like boot
that blew up
like in cartoons, to do the job.
She smashed it to the ground and said to him
'you decieved me'

She walked away without looking back.
He would have followed, tried to explain things
,understand but he was broken in many places.
She was a liar.
She had decieved herself.
While walking away those boots fell off
fell to pieces
and her root ridden feet grew into the ground
she stood still there for years to come.

2005-05-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

love time
Posted by Hello

tiamat rising

2005-05-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to put a photo you know start out simple then this huge ant crawls out of my keyboard, i flicked him to the floor surprised but somehow he ended up in my armpit, he shouldn't have tickled, he was more scared than i was right, he ended his life under my leopard slipper but this is not the end of the story. He had a friend hiding in there too, a pale dusty grey spider, an acrobat really, popped out from between the keys to say hello then vanished in some stunt i didn't even understand and i wonder now what is wrong in here, the cat funeral home days have passed but it was something. Even a little house mouse came out from under the sink for the viewing, i'm guessing he was one of the onlookers not crying